gearing up for h-e double hockey sticks, i mean summer

i'm not afraid to admit it, i am not a mom who looks forward to  LONG summer days trying to be crafty, swimming in the pool or going to the beach with my kids. does that make me a bitch? perhaps, but i'll own it. i will turn into my children's minion in less than 24 hours and i'm already getting all freaked out about. 

generally speaking, my kids play well together but like any other normal human being, they get sick of each other. and that's where the lunatic in me rears her ugly head. the bickering, the tattling, the whining - can't stand it! my kids need structure and i'm too lazy to provide it unless it involves me driving them to an offsite premises where i can pay camp counselors to entertain them ie: day camps. pretty bad for a former teacher right?!

we will in fact be out of town quite a bit this summer. however, going home to see my mother after a two year stand off isn't exactly going to be relaxing...gotta let that one go. anywho...

i guess this is my way of saying thank you. thank you to all of the amazing teachers out there who keep my kids out of my hair, i mean teach my kids 180 days a year and make the rest of the year not so h-e double hockey stick-ish!

school's out!

aunt flo

aunt flo is a bitch and when she comes to town, so am i. i can't take it! she quite simply makes me angry. between overloading a super plus tampon in the middle of the shoe aisle at marshall's inevitably destroying that 'special' pair of undies along with the crotch of a new pair of jeans, surging acne and boobs that feel like they have been placed in a vice grip since they can't be contained by any of my bras. Oh, and the general feeling of wanting to smother my husband - that too. (I really don't mean that part - promise, really!)

Down and Out

I spent the better part of this week feeling like I had been beaten with a very large phone book. I was down and out! Fever, chills, congestion, cough, headache. Fun, fun, fun! I spent most of my days in bed or on the couch. 

Surviving on minimal sleep and Day-Quill I discovered a few things. 

1. It takes me two days to recover from a dose of Tylenol PM. 

2. Ny-Quill sends my heart racing and plays night time mind tricks on me.

3. I totally dig the Bollywood tunes on The Backyardigans.

4. The Fresh Beat Band has entirely too much energy.

5. Mom's aren't supposed to (allowed to) be sick.

6. Courtney Kardashian is a total jockey.

7. Kim Kardashian has psoriasis and is using her sister Courtney's breast milk to cure it. 

Apparently it's working... could have made millions if I had saved all of mine! Wish I could be of more service to you Kim K. At least now that you are having Kayne's baby you can squirt your breast milk on your own legs.

am i completely insane?

the past few weeks i've been vacillating between continuing on this journey as a stay at home mom or embarking on a career change. 

thought #1:

doing something like this...the scream truck. these two women have "balls", literally! they decided to delve into the world of food trucks with a healthier approach to ice cream. i love their cheekiness!

thought #2: 

becoming a florida gator and pursuing a second masters degree.

both are essentially insane ideas. 

could i possibly juggle either without interfering with my current, rather stress-free lifestyle? would i break out in my stress rash again where i end up looking like a 13 year old boy? would i want to cry everyday? would my husband REALLY be so jacked about me being a florida alum like him once he realizes how crazy going back to school will make me? 

am i insane or what?

the big bad bus

like any respectable 5 year old, my kid started kindergarten this year (totally kidding about the respectable 5 year old thing). after convincing my husband to let her ride the bus she was ready for the big trip to and fro.

we started off with a bang! she was up and at 'em at 3:30 am the first day to ensure that she was at the stop in time (note pick up time is 7:41 am). that only happened once. we rode the bus for the first few weeks without a hiccup and then out of nowhere, girls started being girls!

it took just one morning for a first grade girl to tell her that she couldn't sit with her and we were done! no more morning bus rides. there was no convincing her to get back on the bus even with a little encouragement from the bus driver.

a few afternoons later, she literally walked off the bus in a puddle of tears. one of the school safety patrols put her at the back of the bus and she was afraid to move for fear of getting yelled at, so instead she sat at the back and cried all the way home. she was so upset i honestly thought something really bad had happened to her, but fortunately it was only her location (K's are supposed to sit in the first few rows not the back). 

we've had a few pick up snafoo's the first semester of school that leave me slightly panicky. 

Exhibit a: the bus that is supposed to arrive at the stop at 3:30 arrived at 3:15 and a neighbor kid walked her to our house for me to find her on our front step as i walked out the front door. hence, a little girl in tears. nice one mom...but who ever heard of the bus being EARLY??

Exhibit b:  a grandparent was picking her up from the bus stop and didn't see the bus so decided to take a loop around the block inevitably missing the bus. helpful neighbor kid escorts her halfway home. girl in tears. annoyed bus driver.

Exhibit c: dad picking up at the bus stop. bus had reached the stop, but endearing daughter would not get off the bus because she didn't see anyone there to get her. bus driver backs bus up to our driveway (3 houses away), drops her off. pissed bus driver complains to dad (picking up for the first time and late i might add) who replies and neglects to tell me about said words.

Exhibit d: next day, mom is picking girl up on time waiting patiently to say hi like she does every day and gets told off by the bus driver. my mouth drops in dismay, shock and embarrassment. apparently dad's reply the day prior went a little something like this... "yeah, well, sometimes life sucks!" the driver proceeds to tell me that the next time there isn't someone standing at the bus stop he will drive her back to school and "that guy" is just rude. 

seeing visions of bus riding privileges revoked. i am now scared of the bus driver. 

New Year's Revelations

1. Hangovers suck, especially with kids (I already knew this, but seem to forget every time I drink).

2. Seeing two close friends bury a parent over the past month makes me want to be a better spouse, mom and friend. 

3. I need to find a job that I can work from home with very little effort and make a bazillion dollars doing it. 

4. Way too many people fart for my liking in yoga class.

Namaste.

seeking inspiration, inquire within

it's been over a week now since i have come up for air from a cancer fundraiser that i was volunteering for. i thought that i would be elated to have time for myself again; a chance to get back into my workout routines, but i have no desire to do anything. all i want to do is sleep when my kids are at school and despite the extra sleep i've been sneaking in here and there, i still have bags the size of portobello mushroom caps under my eyes. what's the deal?

i have been reading a book called Practical Paleo  and i'm learning a lot about food and how it affects our bodies. my hope is that it will provide some kind of divine inspiration to get off my rear and do something! in the meantime, i continue to down fist fulls of oreo cookies because it would be a shame to let the kids eat them or that they remain in the house for more than a few days. 

i leave later in the week for a trip to visit my sister in british columbia. my hope is that the mountain air will put a little spark in my step. i'm sure it's just a phase, but then i realized today that my 38th birthday is coming up and every year i think my birthday doesn't bother me, but it must.

and to top it all off, my husband changed the remote for the tv and stereo and i have no clue how to work it now! AHHH!!! so, if you've got anything that you think might help inspire me to do something with myself, PLEASE share! :)

zero tolerance

yep, it's official, i have zero tolerance for just about everything right now. could possibly be a result of aunt flo coming for her monthly visit, but i'm finding that anything that i'm faced with irritates me beyond belief.

in no particular order, they are as follows:

- husbands who leave dog puke on the foyer carpet for three days and continue to ask me    if i have gone to the store for carpet cleaner to clean it up
- my children, especially when they open their mouths
- incompetent people
- when my three year old sh*#ts in the toilet sideways leaving an infinite "treasure trail" (not quite what it meant in my pre-married / kid life)
- whining children and more specifically whining adults
- the fact that my fridge has no beer that i really like in it (but i drink what's there anyway)
- that i cannot function without napping the last few days, although, this is a bit of a perk while both girls are at school
- packing lunches


and i think that should do it for now.

and so i return...

it is beyond ridiculous how long it's been since i've paid attention to freakin' frazzled because i have been simply that. my brain is fried and have so much to say, but i am unable to collect my thoughts. i'm tired, worn out and feel completely drained. i have no doubt that this will pass and the flood gates will open, but in the meantime, i just need to get back to being me.

back to reality

after a month away in the florida keys, we are slowly getting back to reality...
it ain't easy! 


it was a month chocked full of fishing, swimming, snorkeling, lobstering, extreme eating, drinking and fun with friends. 


now it's time to sit in a vat of cocoa butter to relieve my over exposed skin, begin the full body detox, catch up on sleep and regain some sort of shape.


cheers...er i mean, have a great day!

other people's kids

when i take care of other people's kids i realize how much i actually like mine. as much as i complain about my offspring they have a few things going for them.


1. they don't wake up at the ass crack of dawn
2. they can entertain themselves with little direction from me
3. they don't "order" their breakfast like they are at a restaurant requesting egg sandwiches with slightly melted cheese
4. they haven't figured out how to manipulate the other to get what they want...yet
5. they don't talk back...yet
6. they can attend to a task for more than 5 minutes


don't get me wrong, i love other people's kids, and i am happy to help when i can, but just as happy to see them go home (eek! mean friend alert). 


point being, other people's kids help me appreciate mine a little more.

surviving summer

it's day 2 of summer vacation and i'm not sure that i'm going to survive. so many are looking forward to long days filled with frolicking children, bbq's and good times. yes, there will be that, however the idea of spending the next almost three months, every single day all day long with my children is daunting. 

i fear that i am going to spend my days acting as a referee and or militant mother. yesterday started out with a bang. first day home from school and the breakfast bickering was well under way about an hour in. meltdowns and time outs quickly followed. 

so while many likely spent their day enjoying their children's presence all i could think about was the next time that i would be alone...august 20th to be precise. 

oh, and trying not to drink during the week is completely over-rated.

boobs

boobs.
if you have them, you don't want them. if you don't, you do. 
i used to like my boobs. they were full, perky and fit nicely into my bras. oh, how the times have changed! 
gravity, kids and age have turned the girls into something resembling a knee high sport sock. at night i find myself shoving a pillow between my boobs to be more comfortable when i sleep to avoid boob sweat and suffocation.


and with that random rant, i'm off to find my pillow!

health

if i stop and think about it, i've pretty much taken my health for granted all these years. i've never had to go to the doctor for anything other than cranking out a couple of kids and a few ear infections here and there.


old age has officially kicked in! i had a ct scan last week and found out today that my "inconclusive" results show that i have an umbilical hernia and early stages of pelvic congestion syndrome. say what?!?! i'm a little overwhelmed by it all at the moment and need to find out more. 


as a post memorial day celebration i get to go in for an upper endoscopy and colonoscopy. yeah me! nothing like two up the poop in two years. again, yeah me! nothing in moderation.


in the meantime, i will try not to overdose on web md or my new favorite thing, a tasty little treasure my hubs found for me :). thank you Anheuser-Busch  !

nice to meet ya rita!

man of my dreams

a few maker's mark and gingers in...

good thing he has no idea about this blog...yet! 

breakfast of champions

this my friends in the breakfast of champions... 


wait for  it...




wait for it...

that's right folks, a barium banana smoothie! have i mentioned before how getting old sucks? i have the pleasure of chocking two of these bad boys down this am for a CT scan. not as bad as i thought, but certainly not what i was hankering for this morning.

i'm hungry...

i'm off to be set all aglow!

sainthood or martyrdom?

i'm not sure who i am supposed to contact, but i think it's time for a nomination. the only problem is that i just can't decide which is more appropriate, sainthood or martyrdom? 


the last few weeks have been incredibly trying with my 5 year old. her sass and attitude have driven me to the brink of crazy town. i spent a few tearful moments trying to figure out what i am doing wrong, consulted with friends, family and even my dad. the trouble with sharing with my dad is that at times he takes things to the extreme, but during our discussion he assured me i was doing it right. "be consistent, don't let her see that she gets to you, love her to death and let her know that she is disappointing you when she is disrespectful".


and with that came the threat of staying at home for a pending trip to disney. talk about kicking 'em where it counts!


she had a few days to prove herself and if she blew it, home she would stay. shockingly, she pulled through and was able to go with her cousins and grandparents to disney for the weekend.


i selflessly offered to assist my in-laws. they were embarking on a four day adventure with FIVE grandchildren ranging in age from 2 to 5, yep... 5 kids! i couldn't justify my children being part of the 5 without lending a hand, so i went along.


i am not cut out for such adventures. it was simply exhausting. rotating five children through restrooms, waiting in lines, going on rides, changing diapers of children who don't belong to me, finding food that picky eaters would eat, telling kids a millions times not to put the pool water in their mouths because someone probably just peed in it, #'2's in public restrooms, touching  and some licking of every possible surface at the park and running out of beer on day 2 was more than this cat could handle.


but this made it worth it all...

what a nightmare!

i seriously just spent over an hour and a half trying to access my blog!! i have no brain. i was going in cyber space circles and just about lost my cool. i was literally breaking into a sweat, getting chest pains and feeling queasy! i am by no means a "techie", but i felt technologically illiterate today. i think my heart rate has slowed enough that i can now stand up without passing out. 


the good news is, that i am back in business with lots to ramble about. my ramblings can wait until later since i pretty much blew my load on today's escapades. 


until next time...

i used to know stuff

as i was walking on the beach wednesday morning in an attempt to decompress from my stimulus overload on a recent disney cruise, it dawned on me that i used to know stuff, a lot of stuff. some of it rather useless stuff in the eyes of many, but i knew stuff. stuff like the little plucking plover that graces our shores loses 30% of its body weight over a weekend at the beach because they are constantly running away from annoying people like me invading their habitat. or that there are different types of mangroves or that there are actually really important things going on in this world. now... i got nothing!

i no longer read issues of newsweek, i rarely watch the news for fear that my girls will see something awful and instead of catching up on current events each night on my computer or reading something of value, i find myself on pinterest, facebook or reading the latest celebrity gossip. what has become of me? i had a brain at one point, i'm just not sure what happened to it. 

in the back pack

look what i found in the back pack:

Dear Parents,

As early childhood educators, we spend our days teaching letter and number concepts, as well as facilitating appropriate socialization among our students. Recently, we have discovered the need to also address behaviors that are less appropriate for the Preschool environment. We encourage you to speak to your child to reinforce the message that they hear at school. Specifically, we have felt it necessary to remind the children that it is not appropriate to show undergarments to our friends at school. In fact, we suggested to the girls that they also wear shorts / leggings/ tights under their skirts / dresses. We've discussed the important issue of making sure no one touches one's body unless they are one's Mom, Dad or doctor. While this is a tough concept for younger children to understand, it is a necessary concept. A simplified version, "no one sees what's under your shirt and shorts or touches you under your shorts or shirt except your mom and dad", was presented to the children today during circle time. If you should have any questions or concerns, please speak with  ------ or ------.

gotta love getting that from preschool!