allow me to set the stage...
daughter #1 is fresh out of the shower, naked and in time out in the garage (don't worry, lights are on and it's temperate in there and attached to the house) because for some reason she just can't figure out how not to whine, cry, grunt, scream, moan etc. for no apparent reason, hence the time out...
daughter #2 has recently woken from a much needed two hour nap and missed my attempt at an early to eat, early to bed night.
"intimate" dinner for 3 ensues.
him: be careful, don't bite into your food right away. you know how your mom likes to heat things up too much and burn you.
me: what are you talking about? i only put it in for 35 seconds?
him: that's ridiculous! you don't need to heat things up for more than 10 seconds.
me: WHAT? ok, sir-cooks-a-lot. whatever. ok, so just give it a second "l" before you take a bite.
him: what is wrong with that chicken? it looks horrible. why don't you just feed her dog food?
me: oh, that's nice!
him: well, it looks disgusting.
me: yes, you're right, but that's what happens when you fall asleep and your food has to be reheated. she also has the shrimp pasta with fresh tomatoes and broccoli i made in front of her that she can eat if she doesn't like the chicken.
him: our kids eat too much fried chicken. their pallets need to be expanded to more than mac n' cheese and fried chicken.
he has already inhaled his dinner and is just sitting at the table annoying the piss out of me. daughter #1 is now in her bedroom flailing about making obnoxious sounds.
me: why don't you go and make yourself useful? get that kid to stop! she needs her pj's on, teeth brushed and needs to GET to BED!
him: there, i made myself useful.
annoying chatter continues between us. the debate between "useful" and "useless" begins. he's mad because of my make yourself useful comment. he brings up some bulls#*t about the pool and how he moved some return line or something and how i didn't notice it etc., etc. and that if i was useful i would have noticed something needed to be adjusted. Oh, NO, HE DIDN'T! he did.
anywho... after much ado about nothing, we hugged it out and all was well until...
him: i was just trying to get under your skin. i love you!
always has to the have the last word. i bite my tongue and give myself a mandatory time out in the garage!