photo has been altered to protect the not so innocent

Monday, October 15, 2012

seeking inspiration, inquire within

it's been over a week now since i have come up for air from a cancer fundraiser that i was volunteering for. i thought that i would be elated to have time for myself again; a chance to get back into my workout routines, but i have no desire to do anything. all i want to do is sleep when my kids are at school and despite the extra sleep i've been sneaking in here and there, i still have bags the size of portobello mushroom caps under my eyes. what's the deal?

i have been reading a book called Practical Paleo  and i'm learning a lot about food and how it affects our bodies. my hope is that it will provide some kind of divine inspiration to get off my rear and do something! in the meantime, i continue to down fist fulls of oreo cookies because it would be a shame to let the kids eat them or that they remain in the house for more than a few days. 

i leave later in the week for a trip to visit my sister in british columbia. my hope is that the mountain air will put a little spark in my step. i'm sure it's just a phase, but then i realized today that my 38th birthday is coming up and every year i think my birthday doesn't bother me, but it must.

and to top it all off, my husband changed the remote for the tv and stereo and i have no clue how to work it now! AHHH!!! so, if you've got anything that you think might help inspire me to do something with myself, PLEASE share! :)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

zero tolerance

yep, it's official, i have zero tolerance for just about everything right now. could possibly be a result of aunt flo coming for her monthly visit, but i'm finding that anything that i'm faced with irritates me beyond belief.

in no particular order, they are as follows:

- husbands who leave dog puke on the foyer carpet for three days and continue to ask me    if i have gone to the store for carpet cleaner to clean it up
- my children, especially when they open their mouths
- incompetent people
- when my three year old sh*#ts in the toilet sideways leaving an infinite "treasure trail" (not quite what it meant in my pre-married / kid life)
- whining children and more specifically whining adults
- the fact that my fridge has no beer that i really like in it (but i drink what's there anyway)
- that i cannot function without napping the last few days, although, this is a bit of a perk while both girls are at school
- packing lunches

and i think that should do it for now.

Monday, October 8, 2012

and so i return...

it is beyond ridiculous how long it's been since i've paid attention to freakin' frazzled because i have been simply that. my brain is fried and have so much to say, but i am unable to collect my thoughts. i'm tired, worn out and feel completely drained. i have no doubt that this will pass and the flood gates will open, but in the meantime, i just need to get back to being me.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

back to reality

after a month away in the florida keys, we are slowly getting back to reality...
it ain't easy! 

it was a month chocked full of fishing, swimming, snorkeling, lobstering, extreme eating, drinking and fun with friends. 

now it's time to sit in a vat of cocoa butter to relieve my over exposed skin, begin the full body detox, catch up on sleep and regain some sort of shape. i mean, have a great day!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

other people's kids

when i take care of other people's kids i realize how much i actually like mine. as much as i complain about my offspring they have a few things going for them.

1. they don't wake up at the ass crack of dawn
2. they can entertain themselves with little direction from me
3. they don't "order" their breakfast like they are at a restaurant requesting egg sandwiches with slightly melted cheese
4. they haven't figured out how to manipulate the other to get what they want...yet
5. they don't talk back...yet
6. they can attend to a task for more than 5 minutes

don't get me wrong, i love other people's kids, and i am happy to help when i can, but just as happy to see them go home (eek! mean friend alert). 

point being, other people's kids help me appreciate mine a little more.

Friday, June 8, 2012

surviving summer

it's day 2 of summer vacation and i'm not sure that i'm going to survive. so many are looking forward to long days filled with frolicking children, bbq's and good times. yes, there will be that, however the idea of spending the next almost three months, every single day all day long with my children is daunting. 

i fear that i am going to spend my days acting as a referee and or militant mother. yesterday started out with a bang. first day home from school and the breakfast bickering was well under way about an hour in. meltdowns and time outs quickly followed. 

so while many likely spent their day enjoying their children's presence all i could think about was the next time that i would be alone...august 20th to be precise. 

oh, and trying not to drink during the week is completely over-rated.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


if you have them, you don't want them. if you don't, you do. 
i used to like my boobs. they were full, perky and fit nicely into my bras. oh, how the times have changed! 
gravity, kids and age have turned the girls into something resembling a knee high sport sock. at night i find myself shoving a pillow between my boobs to be more comfortable when i sleep to avoid boob sweat and suffocation.

and with that random rant, i'm off to find my pillow!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


if i stop and think about it, i've pretty much taken my health for granted all these years. i've never had to go to the doctor for anything other than cranking out a couple of kids and a few ear infections here and there.

old age has officially kicked in! i had a ct scan last week and found out today that my "inconclusive" results show that i have an umbilical hernia and early stages of pelvic congestion syndrome. say what?!?! i'm a little overwhelmed by it all at the moment and need to find out more. 

as a post memorial day celebration i get to go in for an upper endoscopy and colonoscopy. yeah me! nothing like two up the poop in two years. again, yeah me! nothing in moderation.

in the meantime, i will try not to overdose on web md or my new favorite thing, a tasty little treasure my hubs found for me :). thank you Anheuser-Busch  !
nice to meet ya rita!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

man of my dreams

a few maker's mark and gingers in...
good thing he has no idea about this blog...yet! 

Friday, May 18, 2012

breakfast of champions

this my friends in the breakfast of champions... 

wait for  it...

wait for it...
that's right folks, a barium banana smoothie! have i mentioned before how getting old sucks? i have the pleasure of chocking two of these bad boys down this am for a CT scan. not as bad as i thought, but certainly not what i was hankering for this morning.
i'm hungry...

i'm off to be set all aglow!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

sainthood or martyrdom?

i'm not sure who i am supposed to contact, but i think it's time for a nomination. the only problem is that i just can't decide which is more appropriate, sainthood or martyrdom? 

the last few weeks have been incredibly trying with my 5 year old. her sass and attitude have driven me to the brink of crazy town. i spent a few tearful moments trying to figure out what i am doing wrong, consulted with friends, family and even my dad. the trouble with sharing with my dad is that at times he takes things to the extreme, but during our discussion he assured me i was doing it right. "be consistent, don't let her see that she gets to you, love her to death and let her know that she is disappointing you when she is disrespectful".

and with that came the threat of staying at home for a pending trip to disney. talk about kicking 'em where it counts!

she had a few days to prove herself and if she blew it, home she would stay. shockingly, she pulled through and was able to go with her cousins and grandparents to disney for the weekend.

i selflessly offered to assist my in-laws. they were embarking on a four day adventure with FIVE grandchildren ranging in age from 2 to 5, yep... 5 kids! i couldn't justify my children being part of the 5 without lending a hand, so i went along.

i am not cut out for such adventures. it was simply exhausting. rotating five children through restrooms, waiting in lines, going on rides, changing diapers of children who don't belong to me, finding food that picky eaters would eat, telling kids a millions times not to put the pool water in their mouths because someone probably just peed in it, #'2's in public restrooms, touching  and some licking of every possible surface at the park and running out of beer on day 2 was more than this cat could handle.

but this made it worth it all...

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

what a nightmare!

i seriously just spent over an hour and a half trying to access my blog!! i have no brain. i was going in cyber space circles and just about lost my cool. i was literally breaking into a sweat, getting chest pains and feeling queasy! i am by no means a "techie", but i felt technologically illiterate today. i think my heart rate has slowed enough that i can now stand up without passing out. 

the good news is, that i am back in business with lots to ramble about. my ramblings can wait until later since i pretty much blew my load on today's escapades. 

until next time...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

i used to know stuff

as i was walking on the beach wednesday morning in an attempt to decompress from my stimulus overload on a recent disney cruise, it dawned on me that i used to know stuff, a lot of stuff. some of it rather useless stuff in the eyes of many, but i knew stuff. stuff like the little plucking plover that graces our shores loses 30% of its body weight over a weekend at the beach because they are constantly running away from annoying people like me invading their habitat. or that there are different types of mangroves or that there are actually really important things going on in this world. now... i got nothing!

i no longer read issues of newsweek, i rarely watch the news for fear that my girls will see something awful and instead of catching up on current events each night on my computer or reading something of value, i find myself on pinterest, facebook or reading the latest celebrity gossip. what has become of me? i had a brain at one point, i'm just not sure what happened to it. 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

in the back pack

look what i found in the back pack:

Dear Parents,
As early childhood educators, we spend our days teaching letter and number concepts, as well as facilitating appropriate socialization among our students. Recently, we have discovered the need to also address behaviors that are less appropriate for the Preschool environment. We encourage you to speak to your child to reinforce the message that they hear at school. Specifically, we have felt it necessary to remind the children that it is not appropriate to show undergarments to our friends at school. In fact, we suggested to the girls that they also wear shorts / leggings/ tights under their skirts / dresses. We've discussed the important issue of making sure no one touches one's body unless they are one's Mom, Dad or doctor. While this is a tough concept for younger children to understand, it is a necessary concept. A simplified version, "no one sees what's under your shirt and shorts or touches you under your shorts or shirt except your mom and dad", was presented to the children today during circle time. If you should have any questions or concerns, please speak with  ------ or ------.

gotta love getting that from preschool!

Monday, April 16, 2012

is it wrong?

(found this one in my drafts - oops!)

is it wrong to still be eating birthday cake from a birthday party over 3 weeks ago?
is it wrong that i pretend that it's not me eating it... or the easter chocolates for that matter?
is it wrong that i lie to my kids and tell them that i will go swimming with them when i have no intention of doing so because the pool is freakin' frigid?
is it wrong that there are days that i wish was 21 again, single and fancy free?
is it wrong that there are times that i dodge people i know at target just so i don't have to talk?
is it wrong that the cake i mentioned above is stale and tastes like crap, but i am eating it while i type this?
is it wrong that i had a dream last night about a guy i went to prom with (wasn't even my boyfriend - oops! that's a story for another time)?
is it wrong that i'm dying for the next season of True Blood to be available on Apple TV so i can stare at Jason Stackhouse and the werewolf guy?
is it wrong that my 3 year old prefers to be naked wearing sandals in lieu of proper attire?

man, i hope not because if it is, i'm in big trouble!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

a bad mommy confession

ok, so a few weeks ago i purchased a few books to help me improve my mothering skills. um... haven't gotten very far with any of those yet, but it's a work in progress. 

today i purchased a new book bloom: finding beauty in the unexpected by kelle hampton

in order to distract my children so i could read, i took them to the local library to check out a few books. i told them that when we got home it was going to be quiet book time and that we were all going to take some time to read our new books. 
seeing as neither of my girls can read yet, it was only a matter of seconds before they asked if they could watch t.v. i selfishly agreed. 

two hours later and half way through my book, i realized that i was turning my children into tv zombies, albeit, PBS tv zombies, but zombies nonetheless. i snapped out of my book trance and decided it was time to grill the chicken sitting on the counter before the salmonella really took effect. 

as my three year old called for me to come and snuggle with her on the couch (still in front of the tv), i walked out the door to be the master of the grill. "i'll be right there honey!" knowing full well that i had chicken to cook, a few more pages to read and a kitchen to tidy before i head out for a sushi night with some of my lady friends.

and that is my bad mommy confession for today.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

getting out the door

i have officially turned into something that i never wanted to be - my mother. it used to drive me crazy as a kid that she would have to go back into the house about a thousand times (ok maybe 10) before we ever went anywhere. i never really knew why she would go back or what the hell she was doing, i just thought she was a wing nut and settled on that. i never understood it until now. 

i seriously CANNOT get out of the door of our house without going back to get or do something at least a thousand times (ok maybe 10). SERIOUSLY! what tha'?!?! i would like to blame this entirely on my kids. it is all their fault, except for when i go back in to get my car keys, or watch, or wedding ring, or phone, but i digress...

it really is their fault. they have me freakin' frazzled! something strange comes over me and i become their little minion running back in forth collecting random bits they request. be it an on the go breakfast, a hair brush, a pair of shoes, a toy they "need" for the car or whatever. once i have them in the car, i simply don't want them out of it because they are worse then herding kittens when it comes time to go anywhere and it just opens up an opportunity for operation meltdown.

so, i do it. i run back and forth like a fool getting what has been "left" behind in an effort to keep the peace and just get out of the garage. am i the only one out there who gets sucked into this or have i just completely lost my mind? or is this all just part of that large parent trap that i'm in?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

"go make yourself useful!"

allow me to set the stage...

daughter #1 is fresh out of the shower, naked and in time out in the garage (don't worry, lights are on and it's temperate in there and attached to the house) because for some reason she just can't figure out how not to whine, cry, grunt, scream, moan etc. for no apparent reason, hence the time out...

daughter #2 has recently woken from a much needed two hour nap and missed my attempt at an early to eat, early to bed night.

"intimate" dinner for 3 ensues.

him: be careful, don't bite into your food right away. you know how your mom likes to      heat things up too much and burn you.

me: what are you talking about? i only put it in for 35 seconds?

him: that's ridiculous! you don't need to heat things up for more than 10 seconds.

me: WHAT? ok, sir-cooks-a-lot. whatever. ok, so just give it a second "l" before you take a bite.

him: what is wrong with that chicken? it looks horrible. why don't you just feed her dog food? 

me: oh, that's nice! 

him: well, it looks disgusting.

me: yes, you're right, but that's what happens when you fall asleep and your food has to be reheated. she also has the shrimp pasta with fresh tomatoes and broccoli i made in front of her that she can eat if she doesn't like the chicken.

him: our kids eat too much fried chicken. their pallets need to be expanded to more than mac n' cheese and fried chicken.

he has already inhaled his dinner and is just sitting at the table annoying the piss out of me. daughter #1 is now in her bedroom flailing about making obnoxious sounds.

me: why don't you go and make yourself useful? get that kid to stop! she needs her pj's on, teeth brushed and needs to GET to BED!

he obliges.

him: there, i made myself useful. 

annoying chatter continues between us. the debate between "useful" and "useless" begins. he's mad because of my make yourself useful comment. he brings up some bulls#*t about the pool and how he moved some return line or something and how i didn't notice it etc., etc. and that if i was useful i would have noticed something needed to be adjusted. Oh, NO, HE DIDN'T! he did.

anywho... after much ado about nothing, we hugged it out and all was well until...

him: i was just trying to get under your skin. i love you!

always has to the have the last word. i bite my tongue and give myself a mandatory time out in the garage!

Friday, April 6, 2012

not "eggs-actly" as planned

for the majority of the week my kids have been harassing me about painting eggs for easter. ugh! i will never profess to be artistic, nor the least bit crafty for that matter. my mom always had "projects" all over our house when we were kids and it drove us nuts! there was literally no space available ANYWHERE! no clear counters, tables, trunks, dressers etc... you get the drift. am i getting off topic or is it just me? 

anywho... we finally dove into the egg decorating. with two trips to target behind me, i had completely forgotten to purchase white eggs for maximum decorating effect. i was in no mood to venture out again for eggs. thankfully i had some ridiculously over priced omega 3, organic, cage-free BROWN eggs in the fridge. 

after googling the proper technique for hard boiling eggs, i kindly allotted 3 eggs to each darling for decorating purposes. within minutes endearing daughter #1 cracked her first egg. only a minor meltdown ensued. after a shockingly quick recovery we agreed that the watercolors, crayons and markers just weren't cutting it. i was reminded that "last year we soaked them mom, don't you remember? we soaked them in paint or something. maybe it was food coloring." AH HA! and there they were, shoved behind the gigantic bag of seasonal cookie cutters we never use, all the colors of the rainbow. the mixologist got to work and we were soaking up a storm. 

endearing daughter #2 was elbow deep in red, my newly painted finger nails were now an array of colors (as a side note, i NEVER paint my nails so i found this especially irritating) - and we were done!
"eggs-ceptional" don't you think? i think i may have to submit this to Martha :).

Thursday, April 5, 2012

spring break

i always wished i was one of those girls whose parents let her go away for spring break to some exotic location with friends in high school and college. never happened. probably a good thing...i would have ended up in places that a young, innocent (a-hem) girl should never go. my parents obviously knew this about me and although i thought they were stupid, they were in fact very smart.

this spring break was filled with moments like these...

girls with their auntie "k".
i realize this is a little creepy, but sometimes rapunzel needs to get out of her tower too!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

what my kid did to piss me off today

as i sit here guzzling my bud light lime and nibbling on a mixture of cadbury easter eggs and peanut butter cups (mini ones) all the things that my 5 year old did to piss me off today seem to be escaping me...but wait, i remember a few!

does it really matter that she threw a spray bottle at me today while we were planting the much anticipated butterfly garden in the back yard?
or that she dropped to the ground like a wet dish rag the second i reprimanded her?
or that she brutalized her younger sister, immediately said she's sorry and ends up being the one in tears. or that she rolls her eyes at me, tells me that i never forgive her for anything, that i don't want her, i don't love her and i like her sister better because she doesn't yell and scream. 

does it really matter? YES! because she is driving me crazy!!! people say it's a phase, well, it's time for this phase to be OUT!

excuse me if you will, but i hear another bud light lime calling my name. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

sanity renewal

i love my kids, but sometimes they make me crazy. have i mentioned that before? HA! sometimes, i just need to dash to the beach for a few to renew my sanity. selfish? na, i think not. rather, moments like this help restore balance.
it's free therapy. the quiet time alone renews me. it gives me a chance to take a moment or two for myself and just be still. 
it gives me a chance to think about my husband and my girls and realize just how lucky i really am. it gives me a chance to appreciate the little things.
it gives me a chance to just be ME, alone to breathe in the salty air and adjust my sails.
thank you mr. beach, always a pleasure.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

priceless quotes of a 3 year old

mom, i haven't had a job in my whole life, but i will some day.

i like leaving "P" at school. that's a good deal!

can we bite "P's" head off? 
no, "l" we can't do that.
yes mom, let's do that. it would be funny, she would have no more head and eyes. chomp! chomp! and she couldn't be crabby and whine anymore.

mommy, that guy kinda look like our daddy. (l watching smurfs. the guy happens to be neil patrick harris. HA! this is funny because strangers have walked up to us to tell us that he looks like him on many occasions).

Friday, March 23, 2012

ship 'em out!

i called on my back up team the other day for fear that i was going to turn all joan crawford in mommy dearest. i sent my in-laws a text at 9 am, anyone want a five and three year old tonight? within minutes they accepted the offer with open arms. i told them i needed a break before i snap, endearing daughter #1 is killing me!

it is truly unbelievable the shenanigans that go on with her... and it's all for me. she's an angel for everyone but me! it's not that she is a BAD kid, she is just obviously testing the waters with me. i don't do well with whining, temper tantrums, irrational thoughts of children and meanies. so i shipped them off for the night. i warned the in-laws about all of the recent dramas so they were well aware of what they were in for. 

the report: they were both great, slept well & had no issues last night or this morning. 
go figure! it took all of about 24 hours for the wrath of the 5 year old to return :(.

in an act of desperation, i took to the bookstore and left with a few items to help get me out of this parent trap i seem to be in.

i'll let you know how it goes...

good people still exist

my faith in humanity was restored today. 
i took my youngest to the doctor and afterwards we stopped at costco for a few items. we hit the concession stand, ordered up a hotdog and a frozen yogurt when much to my surprise they do not accept anything but cash or check, neither of which i had. i was mortified. they swept my order to the side and directed me to the atm around the corner. the older gentleman behind me slide up to the register and PAID for us! HE PAID FOR US! mind you, it was only a $3 tab, but he PAID for us. i carried on about how embarrassed i was etc., etc. he hushed me up and said, "honey, it's not a big deal. i have enjoyed watching her (my daughter) in line. she's such a little sweetie. it is my pleasure, please just let me do this for you."

"er...i'm so embarrassed, ok, thank you sir. we really appreciate it." 

we joined the mass of retirees who frequently dine at costco and enjoyed our complimentary dog and frozen yogurt, chatted with a few of our neighbors then went about our business. before leaving the "dining room" we stopped to say thank you one more time. 
his response, "it was absolutely my pleasure. i think i had more fun watching her eat her ice cream than she did eating it (not in a creepy way). god bless you both".

to which i replied, "may he bless you too. have a great day and thanks again."

i shared my exciting news via text of course with my friend and here's what she wrote:
dude...random acts, as much as it made you smile, he is smiling too...for the opportunity to make you two lovely ladies smile! good stuff!! that made my day! good stuff happens to good people! u needed that boost in humanity!!! ahhh...

what will you do today to help boost humanity?

Monday, March 19, 2012

no words

i was introduced to heddy  via blog by my friend jen a while ago. jen and heddy are dear friends. i received a text this morning from jen letting me know that heather had passed away shortly after midnight. i didn't know heather, but her friendship with jen and her fight has moved me in a way that words cannot describe. 

may you finally be at peace heather.

Monday, March 12, 2012

i wasn't going to drink today...

my friday started out quite nicely. as part of my get out of my funk plan, i thought i would take a morning stroll on the beach after i dropped the girls at school. so i did.

i hit Home Depot for some plants. not sure what it is about "gardening" but for some reason i always give it a whirl, thinking that my thumbs will miraculously turn green. there is something about gardening that is very zen. anyhow, got my goods and i was off to a massage. tried out a new therapist today. A-mazing!!

the plan was to meet my sister afterwards to go shoe shopping as she was in desperate need of a pair of nude platforms. our plans were sidetracked by the back up at the spray tan place she frequents (gotta try this one of these days for shits and giggles), so she went to grab some "quick" sushi before she "snapped" (ie: major food meltdown from lack of it). an hour plus later...i think they were out catching the tuna, we made it to our destination. unfortunately the shoe search continues.

i picked up the girls feeling relaxed and ready to attack the afternoon with them. it went south quickly. insert annoying whining, bickering, tattling etc. here.

i diffused the situation upon our arrival home with ice cream, sprinkles and hot chocolate. Stellar parenting indeed!

i took to the outdoors to escape my kids. it took about 10 minutes to be discovered but i was able to get some of my zen gardening done.
and as a reward...
so much for not drinking.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

and then there was one

for my mother in law's birthday this year she wanted to take her 3 oldest grandchildren (that would be 2 five year olds and 1 four year old) to Disney for the weekend to which i replied, "are you crazy?". i quickly recanted and realized that this was an opportunity to be left with only one child to parent for 4 whole days! 

my "are you crazy?" turned to "are you sure? what would you like me to pack for her?". 

FOUR days! FOUR days with only ONE kid! it was incredible. no screaming, no whining, no fighting, no clothing or shoe drama and no talking back. four glorious days with our almost three year old.

it was quiet, serene and so incredibly easy! i forgot how simple life was with just one kid. we ice-skated, we went to see her FIRST movie, The Lorax, in 3D no less and went out on the town for 2 lunches and a dinner with not a fuss. we REALLY enjoyed our youngest who always seems to be overshadowed by her big sister. 

youngest asked for oldest all weekend long and when they were reunited she was so excited to see her that she ran up to her, hugged her and said, "i missed you so much. i'm happy you are home!"
despite all the bossiness, snarky comments and fighting, i realized that they really do LOVE each other. they are sisters and they are friends :).

one of my stellar parenting moments this past weekend: at pub, beer in hand, kid asleep in the other

Thursday, March 8, 2012

in like a lion...please go out like a lamb

march has proven to be a rather depressing month thus far. It has quite honestly put me in a bit of a "funk".

i have friends of friends who are dying of cancer, friends mom's who are battling various forms of cancer and my sister in law's nana passed away the other day quite unexpectedly.

god works in mysterious ways, even amongst all the sadness of late, he brings new life. there was also a few new babies i know of brought into the world this week :). i've been trying to figure out how to "talk" to god for quite a while now. people talk about god sending them signs, messages, etc. and somehow you just know he's there. this past sunday i was at church trying to talk to god ("praying" i think) for my friends and family who are struggling with grief and a sudden wave of coldness came over me. i was literally freezing! i didn't think much of it in that moment, but i think i may have opened up a line of communication. 

it was really strange but i felt at peace. maybe i'm finally figuring it out, how to trust in god, be faithful and listen after all of these years. 

march has lived up to its expectation of coming in like a lion, now it's time for it to go out like a lamb!

Monday, February 27, 2012


my perspective on life has shifted lately and i think it has a lot to do with HeatherPaxton and our youngest having some health issues of her own. their stories and journeys are incredible and leave me speechless. 

squeeze your spouse, your partner, your friend, your kid(s), your mum, your dad and even your dog (cats are acceptable too) a little harder today. tell them you love them. tell them they are important. 

be bold. stand up for yourself. be brave. be kind. don't compromise. be good to yourself & be good to those around you. 

with that, i bid you adieu.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

"911 what's your emergency?"

tonight was one of those teachable moments that i think we'll be able to use as leverage with our girls for quite some time.

it was an ordinary, chaotic, post-dinner, pre-bed prep, dance party night until daughter 1 tried to pull the house phone out of daughter 2's hands as she was playing with it. caught in the crossfire, i could hear a garbled voice on the line.

me - "hello?"

him - "911, what's your emergency?"

(oh shit!)

me - "oh, sir my apologies, there is no emergency here. my 3 year old was playing with the phone and must have dialed 911. i'm really sorry. everyone here is ok."

him - "ma'am, we still have to send out a deputy to ensure that everyone is ok."

me - "really?"

him - "yes ma'am, a deputy will be there shortly."

we told the girls that the police were coming to talk to them because they were playing with the phone and you NEVER dial 911 unless it's an emergency. needless to say, the girls were a bit shaken. we might have gone a little overboard... there was mention of emergencies, blood, jail, police taking you away etc...

the youngest (a.k.a the perpetrator - she really had no idea she dialed the digits) lost her nut! the oldest ran in her room to hide in the closet from the deputy.

within a few minutes a female deputy arrived and all hell broke loose. tears, screaming, "i don't want the police to take me", etc. etc. and now the deputy was freaked out. 

"ma'am, it's ok, tell her everything is ok. can you calm her down?"

after much ado, the perp calmed down. we were able to wrap up the evening with a relatively calm bedtime with just one little reminder that the police know where we live and will come over again if you aren't following directions. i don't think i've ever seen my kids move so fast.

as i was tucking the girls into bed, daughter 1 shoots off a litany of questions and comments about the nights events. daughter 2 passed out from emotional exhaustion.

1. "mom, are there kid jails?" (and i say, "yes, they call it "juvey" or juvenile detention")
2. "what do they wear in kid jails?" to which she answers herself, "oh, i know, they wear orange, red and green and it all looks the same, just shirts and shorts. boring". (i'm wondering if she's catching episodes of CSI or Law & Order after hours???)
3. "mom, i ran into my bedroom closet when the police officer was here because i didn't want her to take us. i don't want to be an orphan".

a teachable moment / toddler trauma = some serious parenting leverage. did i go a little overboard with the whole taking the kid thing, perhaps, but i can sure make my kids listen... for now!
                                                   "the perpetrator"

Sunday, February 19, 2012

m.w.f. seeking sunset serenity

with president's day upon us and no reason to get up early monday morning, i thought tonight would be a perfect opportunity to hit the beach for the sunset which we never make an effort to go see. my husband hates the sand, so i have him "the out" which is fine because his stereo equipment went on the fritz today and he just needed some time alone to reflect.

off i went with the girls. i packed dried out chicken fries that i tried to pass off as fresh, grapes, blueberries, a few capri sun's and some cans of bud light lime (for me, not the kids). we trekked down to the shore and happened upon a pelican / seagull feeding frenzy. the girls freaked! they didn't want to go on the beach for fear of a pelican attack. "don't be silly girls, they birds are just having their dinner. let's go enjoy the beach." famous last words.

here's how it went down...

mom opens nice cold can of bud light lime.
daughter 1 & 2 frolic freely along the beach picking up shells, twirl about, get covered in sand, scream loudly they are covered with sand, "request" rinse, sea rinse encouraged but met with objection and fear. supervised rinse takes place, shrill screaming begins. salt water stings skin, screams are heard across the gulf, daughter 1 & 2 wrapped in emergency beach towels to soothe the pain. mom downs beer and suggests a nice cool capri sun will soothe the pain. works. dried chicken served with a few grapes. eaten with minimal commentary. mom opens beer #2 (attempting to hide it from elderly folks who appear to be playing sudoku on their smart phones). i get shit on by a seagull. it stinks. i stink like dead fish. natives get restless. wave of unbearable fatigue sets in to both children who have lost the ability to communicate appropriately, put shoes on and walk. mom shoves open beer into beach bag, carries beach bag, cooler and daughter 2 to shower. rinse begins. shower creates sudden urge to urinate on oneself...nakedness ensues. mom downs beer. pack mule reloads and treks back to car while winds pick up and starts to rain. 

and here's what i was reminded of...

bringing my kids to the beach is a pain in the ass. i hate getting shit on by smelly seagulls which are really just like rats with wings or is that pigeons? i'm my kids' "beach bitch".i find an overwhelming need to have an alcoholic beverage in my hands on a very regular basis in order to deal. in the end, it's all worth the hassle because you end up with this 

and this!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

happiness is a choice - grab life by the balls

on a fairly regular basis i find myself in utter shock by the number of people who are miserable. i get it, everyone has a story. maybe the woman i saw in the homegoods parking lot the other day was shooting another the bird because she is stressed out at work. maybe the woman at work who never says hi to me when i say hello is just shy and not really a bitch (but I doubt it). maybe the old lady i saw making faces at the person who was driving a little too slow for her liking is crabby because she is not getting enough action between the sheets. 

whatever the story, there's one thing that i do know. life is too damn short to let stupid stuff get in the way of our happiness. no matter our circumstances, it's not that hard to find something to be happy about. be happy that you woke up today. be happy that you have fresh water to drink. be happy that you are not locked up in a foreign prison (o.k., a little dramatic, but you get the drift).

happiness is a choice. you have the right to choose. choose happy and grab life by the balls people!

Thursday, February 2, 2012


I hate being late. I hate being late for flights. I hate being late for flights that are international and are taking me to a family wedding where I will see my little sister for the first time in over three years. I REALLY hate being late for flights that are international and are taking me to a family wedding where I will see my little sister for the first time in over three years when it's my husband's fault.

I'm not sure if it's because he's a Florida Cracker and the heat down here makes him move slower or he just simply has no regard for time, but he is late for just about everything. It drives me absolutely insane!

A few months ago we were scheduled on 12:10 p.m. direct flight from Fort Lauderdale to Toronto. We are about 20 minutes away from the Fort Myers airport, but opted for the direct flight out of Lauderdale which is about an hour and forty five minutes away. Flawed logic perhaps, but my husband doesn't like "unnecessary layovers". Leaving our house at 9:00 a.m. in my opinion was too late, but that was the plan. The plan that did not come to fruition.

As I shuffled kids off to school, shuttled the dog to the Wigglebutt Inn, dropped car seats and kid gear to our friends who were watching our kids and ran around like a crazy person, cleaning for our cleaning lady he lay in bed trying to collect himself.

I initially left the house feeling positive about our pending departure. Things were looking up. He'd packed his suitcase the night before, a first for him. Upon my return from my whirlwind tour of the north end of town I found him on our bedroom floor, in his boxers doing the Perfect Push Up after completing a "man-scaping" session. He had shaved all his necessary parts and pieces but had yet to hit the shower. It was 9:30 a.m.

To prevent myself from coming completely unglued, I walked across the street to ask our neighbors to keep an eye on the house while we were gone. I took to the outdoors to distance myself and instantly started texting friends and family who know all too well what I was dealing with.

By 10:00 a.m. we were pulling out of the driveway and I was informed gas was needed in order to get us across the Alley. I sat in silence, speechless and in shock from his complete disregard for my increasing anxiety. I don't remember what he said to me after the gas tank was finally full, but he tried to use his humor to diffuse the situation. I laughed, but turned slightly psycho.

Here's how it went down.

Me: Do not talk to me. Do not try to be funny and make me laugh. Your funny guy routine isn't going to make this situation better. I am so pissed off I could spit. I don't care how you do it, but you will get me on a fucking plane to Toronto today!

Him: You know you can't stay mad at me for long.

Me: You're probably right, but I'm going to be mad a lot longer than my usual 10 minutes. It could be days. Just don't talk to me.

11:35 a.m. we arrive at the Hibiscus parking garage with not a parking spot in sight. We pull up to the airport entrance. I get out and book it to the security gate and attempt to get in line but they are not equipped to scan boarding passes from a phone. I B-line it to the airline desk and ask for my boarding pass to be printed. I was immediately told by the super friendly female staffer (BITCH) I wouldn't be allowed on the flight because it was closed an hour ago. I literally burst into tears. There must have been something special in my eyes that day as she instantly turned into the nicest person on the planet. She printed my boarding pass and my husband's pass but wouldn't let me have it since he needed to show his passport.

I ran to security madly texting the man of the hour the details of what he was to do. With my luggage in tow, tears a flowing I ripped off my boots and gently tapped people to see if they would let me move ahead of them. Most did. And those who made comments about how they were going to miss flights as well, I quickly replied, "Then get in on the action and come with me!".

Once I cleared security, I bolted boot-free to the gate. It was 12:08, the gate area was packed. The plane hadn't even stared to board. All I could think about was what a snatch the lady at the counter was about me not making the flight, the flight was closed, you'll never make it, blah, blah, blah! I was going to make the flight, I was on my way to the Big Smoke. My husband however, was a different story.

12:08 p.m. after multiple attempts at calling and texting him, I see him saunter up to the gate. I wanted to jump over all the overly tanned Canadian cruisers that were waiting to go home and strangle him, but my conscious got the better of me and exerted some self control.

Him: Hi Honey! See, I told you we'd make it.

(keep in mind, I'm surrounded by 60 something retired Canadians who have just returned from a 2 week cruise)

Me: You are one lucky son of a bitch! You have a horse shoe up your ass. Don't you EVER f*$&ing do that to me again!

Him: Ahh, but it's the thrill of traveling...

I can honestly say, that I have never been so pissed at my husband in my life.

Despite the rocky start to our trip, we had an amazing time away. Travel since has improved slightly. He manages to get most of his pre-travel rituals complete prior to departure, but he loves to push the envelope.

Now I just lie about our flight times.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

if only it were this simple

"Mom, you know what happened to sleeping beauty? She hurts her finger on the spinning wheel, she falls asleep and then she gets back into love."

i think she has her fairy tales mixed up but who cares.

Deep thoughts of a 4 year old

Monday, January 16, 2012

i have a dream...

(WARNING... this is not for the faint of heart!)

yeah, so do i.

my dream is to not deal with crap!

                                                            (for the record, not my feet)

cut the crap!


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

older & wiser

Since people are going to be living longer and getting older, they'll just have to learn how to be babies longer.

here’s what I have learned about getting older…

1.  my wrinkles have names. i have 11’s and bunny lines.
2. muscle relaxers are nice, but i’m a total idiot for a day and a half later.
3.   drinking is an excellent stress reliever,  but the hangover the day after is so not worth it   since i can’t sleep all day long anymore.
4.   your kids always know you’ve had too much to drink because they wake up at the crack of  dawn the morning after.
5.   drunk sex is the way to go.
6.   my boobs look like empty ziplock bags without a bra.
7.   mean girls are bitches when they grow up.
8.   i can gain a pound a day with very little effort.
9.   i have an intimate relationship with my bed buddy… it’s not what you’re thinking!

and there you have it!