photo has been altered to protect the not so innocent

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

in the back pack

look what i found in the back pack:

Dear Parents,
As early childhood educators, we spend our days teaching letter and number concepts, as well as facilitating appropriate socialization among our students. Recently, we have discovered the need to also address behaviors that are less appropriate for the Preschool environment. We encourage you to speak to your child to reinforce the message that they hear at school. Specifically, we have felt it necessary to remind the children that it is not appropriate to show undergarments to our friends at school. In fact, we suggested to the girls that they also wear shorts / leggings/ tights under their skirts / dresses. We've discussed the important issue of making sure no one touches one's body unless they are one's Mom, Dad or doctor. While this is a tough concept for younger children to understand, it is a necessary concept. A simplified version, "no one sees what's under your shirt and shorts or touches you under your shorts or shirt except your mom and dad", was presented to the children today during circle time. If you should have any questions or concerns, please speak with  ------ or ------.

gotta love getting that from preschool!

Monday, April 16, 2012

is it wrong?

(found this one in my drafts - oops!)

is it wrong to still be eating birthday cake from a birthday party over 3 weeks ago?
is it wrong that i pretend that it's not me eating it... or the easter chocolates for that matter?
is it wrong that i lie to my kids and tell them that i will go swimming with them when i have no intention of doing so because the pool is freakin' frigid?
is it wrong that there are days that i wish was 21 again, single and fancy free?
is it wrong that there are times that i dodge people i know at target just so i don't have to talk?
is it wrong that the cake i mentioned above is stale and tastes like crap, but i am eating it while i type this?
is it wrong that i had a dream last night about a guy i went to prom with (wasn't even my boyfriend - oops! that's a story for another time)?
is it wrong that i'm dying for the next season of True Blood to be available on Apple TV so i can stare at Jason Stackhouse and the werewolf guy?
is it wrong that my 3 year old prefers to be naked wearing sandals in lieu of proper attire?

man, i hope not because if it is, i'm in big trouble!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

a bad mommy confession

ok, so a few weeks ago i purchased a few books to help me improve my mothering skills. um... haven't gotten very far with any of those yet, but it's a work in progress. 

today i purchased a new book bloom: finding beauty in the unexpected by kelle hampton

in order to distract my children so i could read, i took them to the local library to check out a few books. i told them that when we got home it was going to be quiet book time and that we were all going to take some time to read our new books. 
seeing as neither of my girls can read yet, it was only a matter of seconds before they asked if they could watch t.v. i selfishly agreed. 

two hours later and half way through my book, i realized that i was turning my children into tv zombies, albeit, PBS tv zombies, but zombies nonetheless. i snapped out of my book trance and decided it was time to grill the chicken sitting on the counter before the salmonella really took effect. 

as my three year old called for me to come and snuggle with her on the couch (still in front of the tv), i walked out the door to be the master of the grill. "i'll be right there honey!" knowing full well that i had chicken to cook, a few more pages to read and a kitchen to tidy before i head out for a sushi night with some of my lady friends.

and that is my bad mommy confession for today.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

getting out the door

i have officially turned into something that i never wanted to be - my mother. it used to drive me crazy as a kid that she would have to go back into the house about a thousand times (ok maybe 10) before we ever went anywhere. i never really knew why she would go back or what the hell she was doing, i just thought she was a wing nut and settled on that. i never understood it until now. 

i seriously CANNOT get out of the door of our house without going back to get or do something at least a thousand times (ok maybe 10). SERIOUSLY! what tha'?!?! i would like to blame this entirely on my kids. it is all their fault, except for when i go back in to get my car keys, or watch, or wedding ring, or phone, but i digress...

it really is their fault. they have me freakin' frazzled! something strange comes over me and i become their little minion running back in forth collecting random bits they request. be it an on the go breakfast, a hair brush, a pair of shoes, a toy they "need" for the car or whatever. once i have them in the car, i simply don't want them out of it because they are worse then herding kittens when it comes time to go anywhere and it just opens up an opportunity for operation meltdown.

so, i do it. i run back and forth like a fool getting what has been "left" behind in an effort to keep the peace and just get out of the garage. am i the only one out there who gets sucked into this or have i just completely lost my mind? or is this all just part of that large parent trap that i'm in?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

"go make yourself useful!"

allow me to set the stage...

daughter #1 is fresh out of the shower, naked and in time out in the garage (don't worry, lights are on and it's temperate in there and attached to the house) because for some reason she just can't figure out how not to whine, cry, grunt, scream, moan etc. for no apparent reason, hence the time out...

daughter #2 has recently woken from a much needed two hour nap and missed my attempt at an early to eat, early to bed night.

"intimate" dinner for 3 ensues.

him: be careful, don't bite into your food right away. you know how your mom likes to      heat things up too much and burn you.

me: what are you talking about? i only put it in for 35 seconds?

him: that's ridiculous! you don't need to heat things up for more than 10 seconds.

me: WHAT? ok, sir-cooks-a-lot. whatever. ok, so just give it a second "l" before you take a bite.

him: what is wrong with that chicken? it looks horrible. why don't you just feed her dog food? 

me: oh, that's nice! 

him: well, it looks disgusting.

me: yes, you're right, but that's what happens when you fall asleep and your food has to be reheated. she also has the shrimp pasta with fresh tomatoes and broccoli i made in front of her that she can eat if she doesn't like the chicken.

him: our kids eat too much fried chicken. their pallets need to be expanded to more than mac n' cheese and fried chicken.

he has already inhaled his dinner and is just sitting at the table annoying the piss out of me. daughter #1 is now in her bedroom flailing about making obnoxious sounds.

me: why don't you go and make yourself useful? get that kid to stop! she needs her pj's on, teeth brushed and needs to GET to BED!

he obliges.

him: there, i made myself useful. 

annoying chatter continues between us. the debate between "useful" and "useless" begins. he's mad because of my make yourself useful comment. he brings up some bulls#*t about the pool and how he moved some return line or something and how i didn't notice it etc., etc. and that if i was useful i would have noticed something needed to be adjusted. Oh, NO, HE DIDN'T! he did.

anywho... after much ado about nothing, we hugged it out and all was well until...

him: i was just trying to get under your skin. i love you!

always has to the have the last word. i bite my tongue and give myself a mandatory time out in the garage!

Friday, April 6, 2012

not "eggs-actly" as planned

for the majority of the week my kids have been harassing me about painting eggs for easter. ugh! i will never profess to be artistic, nor the least bit crafty for that matter. my mom always had "projects" all over our house when we were kids and it drove us nuts! there was literally no space available ANYWHERE! no clear counters, tables, trunks, dressers etc... you get the drift. am i getting off topic or is it just me? 

anywho... we finally dove into the egg decorating. with two trips to target behind me, i had completely forgotten to purchase white eggs for maximum decorating effect. i was in no mood to venture out again for eggs. thankfully i had some ridiculously over priced omega 3, organic, cage-free BROWN eggs in the fridge. 

after googling the proper technique for hard boiling eggs, i kindly allotted 3 eggs to each darling for decorating purposes. within minutes endearing daughter #1 cracked her first egg. only a minor meltdown ensued. after a shockingly quick recovery we agreed that the watercolors, crayons and markers just weren't cutting it. i was reminded that "last year we soaked them mom, don't you remember? we soaked them in paint or something. maybe it was food coloring." AH HA! and there they were, shoved behind the gigantic bag of seasonal cookie cutters we never use, all the colors of the rainbow. the mixologist got to work and we were soaking up a storm. 

endearing daughter #2 was elbow deep in red, my newly painted finger nails were now an array of colors (as a side note, i NEVER paint my nails so i found this especially irritating) - and we were done!
"eggs-ceptional" don't you think? i think i may have to submit this to Martha :).

Thursday, April 5, 2012

spring break

i always wished i was one of those girls whose parents let her go away for spring break to some exotic location with friends in high school and college. never happened. probably a good thing...i would have ended up in places that a young, innocent (a-hem) girl should never go. my parents obviously knew this about me and although i thought they were stupid, they were in fact very smart.

this spring break was filled with moments like these...

girls with their auntie "k".
i realize this is a little creepy, but sometimes rapunzel needs to get out of her tower too!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

what my kid did to piss me off today

as i sit here guzzling my bud light lime and nibbling on a mixture of cadbury easter eggs and peanut butter cups (mini ones) all the things that my 5 year old did to piss me off today seem to be escaping me...but wait, i remember a few!

does it really matter that she threw a spray bottle at me today while we were planting the much anticipated butterfly garden in the back yard?
or that she dropped to the ground like a wet dish rag the second i reprimanded her?
or that she brutalized her younger sister, immediately said she's sorry and ends up being the one in tears. or that she rolls her eyes at me, tells me that i never forgive her for anything, that i don't want her, i don't love her and i like her sister better because she doesn't yell and scream. 

does it really matter? YES! because she is driving me crazy!!! people say it's a phase, well, it's time for this phase to be OUT!

excuse me if you will, but i hear another bud light lime calling my name.